On hats and things…

image

It’s been a while. Let’s do this…

Quite recently, I was in the CBD, thirsty and horribly irritable. It was scorching hot and I was nowhere near bus station. I was so thirsty, I felt like I would cry ( and drink my own tears). Ironically though, I was not thirsty enough to branch into a supermarket to buy a bottle of water. Nevertheless, do take my word for it, I really was thirsty. I considered bearing the ‘indimanje’ rides like a camel and brave the thirst till I got home at the same time though… I was really thirsty. Parched is more like it. Finally, I summoned a street vendor selling bottles of water carried in those black polythene paper bags (juala) and looking back, maybe this should have been my first tell- tell sign that things were not as they should be. But when you are in the CBD with the harsh African sun staring down at you in particular, much of your thought process evaporates (see what I did there?). I just wanted a sip of liquid. Just a sip. Just one. Again, I was so thirsty, it made me desperate. I paid the man and took a sip. Instantly, my tongue recoiled and I had to swallow my vomit. Like a child, I had been deceived. The water tasted like, well, I’ve never tasted anything like it. It was a blend of cow knees and baby mucus with a hint of snake saliva.

I joke of course.

My point however is that it was disgusting and I was outraged. I demanded answers. I called the guy back.

Your water tastes funny. Where does it come from?

This water comes from a stream on Mount Kenya.

Are you sure?

Yes, sister.

Have you been there yourself?

Where?

To Mars. Where the hell do you think I mean?

* nervous laugh…
No, I haven’t been there myself.

Then how do you know?

*silence
I was told…

By who?

By the man from whom I buy my supply from.

He’s been to Mount Kenya?

Who?

King Kong. (Jesus Christ!) Your guy, has he been to mount Kenya?

No, he’s a Jathe. He’s never even been to Kiambu.

Mount Kenya is in Nyeri.

What?

never (friggin’) mind

image

This Nairobi…
image

I have a hat now. Not a snapback, a real hat. Those big sun hats associated with big women, Sunday church and for some reason, Vaseline. Maybe its just me. Maybe you don’t get it. Anyway, I have a hat now, and I must say, I consider it to be among my prized possessions. My kids had better be sure that one of them will inherit that hat. A hat for an inheritance. My goodness, wouldn’t that be rude? (and hilarious?) But it’s more likely something I would do.

Really.

Now, the post at hand…

Why you should have a hat.

1.Ne-yo has a hat.
image

Now, let’s get serious for a minute. In this fast changing world, either you are with it or you are not. Now, the it in the statement is up for debate but one thing is for sure, the hat is trending right now. Many of those we consider famous have been seen strutting around in hats. Now, maybe having a hat may not put you on the same level but its a damn good place to start. And we all have to start somewhere.

Am I right or am I right?

2. It’s hot.
image

Maybe this should have been my first point. Maybe I should have arranged my points in order of weight. Maybe I did. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe I am a budding rebel who goes against the system ( they don’t want you to win). Who knows?

This heat.

Its getting out of hand. It might have been funny at first but now? I think to myself, is this how it usually is in those hot countries like Nigeria and wherever. Those guys must shed pounds in sweat alone. Seriously. It’s been five days of extreme heat and it’s all I think about these days. Staying cool has become a daytime obsession.

However…

However, I have a hat. I’m like Lex Luther with that green stone that is Superman’s weakness. What’s it called? Ah… Yes. Kryptonite. The stone that has inspired many a song. The stone that supposedly represents who you are to your lover. That’s my hat. That’s my hat in this horrible sun. It could also be your hat. You just have to get one first.
image

Obviously.

3. An expression of self.

Need I say more? Hats are hats. Your hat becomes you. You become that guy with a hat or that lady with. And what is life if you can’t express yourself with headgear?

Our existence would be a bit pointless. No?

So, there you have it. Why you should get a hat. It’s trendy, it’s unique. You can tell of your phase to your offspring.

I am still a liberal, regardless of the stupid heat. So, do feel free to share your thoughts with me on today’s post. What is your stand on hats? Do you have a hat? Do you think my reasons for getting a hat are valid?

A favor? Please.

If you see a street vendor trying to sell you piss flavoured water, do punch the lights out of them. Then call me from your holding cell and we’ll laugh about it, OK?

OK. Thanks.

Let’s talk about it…

Its been close to two months since my previous blog post. I haven’t been able to entertain you ,most loyal fans, with my highly creative and sarcastic writing. But as of today, I decide to break my endless tirade of pitiable excuses such as a mind block and lack of time. I apologise for my non commitment to posting every other week as I was to. On a light note, however, at least you know what Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting eighteen years to win an Oscar. Lol.

Seriously though…

I love to write and I love fashion even more. And if I’m being honest, which I am, I guess I’ve been unable to write due to several failures that I have endured that have more or less paralyzed my creativity and ability to write.

image

On a totally unrelated note…

At the poles, temperatures can drop to -76 degrees. Simply put, that means it gets really, really cold. There, the sun is never above the horizon, even in the summer. In the winter its even worse as the sun goes even lower beneath the horizon and for weeks there is little to no sunlight. It’s all night. But not in that good way that we all fantasized about while in highschool. Don’t look at me like that… I know we’ve all contemplated the possibility of one long night that would enable us to sleep through the day without judgment. Well, at least I know I have.

Still on the unrelated note…

A poorly insulated person would no doubt suffer from hypothermia. By suffer from, I actually mean die of. It starts with a vague numbness at the limbs as the blood retreats to the body’s core in order to preserve the vital organs. Next comes the delirious hallucinations. Often, the survivors, who are very few, claim to have seen haunting images such as big mugs of steaming cocoa. They were probably just seeing the bears snuggled in their thick fur insulated from the really really cold cold. Because nature is mean enough to still kick you even when you are down. As a final attempt to conserve its remaining heat, the body shuts down all its operations apart from the heart and and respiration. Unconsciousness follows from there, well, let’s just say you won’t be drinking anymore hot cocoa in this dimension.

image

My point?

I have none actually. I just felt like discussing the poles today.

Yup.

However, do accept my knowledge on the poles as a sincere apology for my absenteeism. Therefore, loyal fans, (Ervin) hold on to your hats, ( you know yourself) I’m black.

Oh, I mean I’m back.

Its a world of asinine comments against races. I don’t want anyone confusing my incredible grasp of vocabulary for pale skin colour.

OK. Thanks.