i tried to keep up…

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There is no doubt it, the Kardashian family is the most controversial family of our time. I would go ahead and say they have trumped Madonna at her own game and are now the royals of the most scrutinized lifestyles. There is no doubt about it, they can make money off of anything and I guess those are the most admired entrepreneurs of my generation. Of course, the most famous of all them is Kim Kardashian who has one (too many) times been referred to as a modern day Greek goddess. How true that is debatable, obviously. But do keep in mind, the milkshake does bring the boys to the yard.

Clearly.

Within the Kardashian family is a net worth of, well, let us just say it is way more than what we receive as foreign aid. Undoubtedly, some of them do contain more plastic within them than a plastic bottle factory. But that’s OK, we drink tap water anyway. They grace our tabloids with scandalous headlines such as their father deciding to turn into their mother even tho he is well past the age of a midlife crisis. Of course, the most recent scandal would be Rob Kardashian’s choice for a fiance. For years they have entertained us through their award wining show and from the look of things, one thing is certain, the Kardashian family is here to stay.Whether we approve their existence or not.

Anyway, on to the post at hand.

While they do outrageous things in the limelight, the Kardashians know how to step out in style. They have started many fashion trends and continue to do so daily. Now, I could show you all their trendiest clothes but I thought to myself, nah… we see too much of that. Therefore, I bring you the biggest fashion fails of the original Kardashian sisters.

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN.

The eldest of the Kardashian known kids, fiance to Scott and mother of a couple kids (three) we have Kourtney. With a ‘K’. She doesn’t have a knack for creating scandals except maybe for the Justin Bieber fiasco. Oh.. you didn’t know about that too?

Anyway…
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I feel like this look might be an indirect insult to African women. Something about a head wrap and shades doesn’t seem to be compatible. While she tried to pull off a look synonymous with African queens, she failed miserably.

Her head wrap makes her look like an Indian merchant ready to hire me for minimum wage.

Lol

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They say you can never go wrong with ‘all white’. Clearly ‘they’ needs to be shown this picture.

Enough said.

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Something about this photo makes me think of drum beats and loud sporadic ululation. It appears Kourtney is a runaway dancer from Bomas of Kenya.

All of a sudden I crave fried chicken.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN.

The youngest of the three and former wife to NBA winner Lamar we have Khloe. With a ‘K’. She had the least embarrassing photos, surprisingly. However, I did manage to find one which I think might just be the very best.
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OK, maybe you don’t see it. Let me just zoom in for you…

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If you own a DVD player, or just any modern device you just might notice that is a ‘play’ sign. Maybe I did not receive the memo that this what youngsters are doing nowadays.

KIM KARDASHIAN.

The second born of the Kardashians, wife to loudmouth and currently bankrupt rapper, Kanye West, mother of two, model, entrepreneur, socialite. As I mentioned earlier, severally, she has been referred to as a modern day Greek goddess. Nevertheless, she has had some serious fails…
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This might be who Kim was before she was Kim. She looks like those flower girls at those typical Kenyan weddings marching to that popular wedding tune ( tintintiriiin…tintintiriin)

Don’t even act like you don’t know that tune…

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This look is a classic fail that does nothing to flatter Kim’s figure. Also, silk from head to toe? That’s a no- no.

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Now this is just ugly. Baggy snake print pants? I think not.

She looks Luke she is ready to fight pythons down in the Congo.
“Down Chonga! Chonga down!”

In conclusion, while celebrities live in the public eye and are prone to scrutiny, it is clear to see that they are only human. So go easy on them. Regardless, do feel free to share your opinions regarding today’s post. What was your favorite fashion fail? I am still quite the liberal even in today’s world of man-moms.

OK. Thanks.

talking Shoes…

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Imagine this, you have an interview with bill gates. He is willing to fund a project that has been your brainchild for months. While dressing some people might fret about the color of their tie or the patterns on their shirt. Me? I know the key to impressing Mr ‘Richest Man On Earth’ and it would be… well, not your belt. A little lower… yes. Yes. Your shoes. Your shoes must be worth the occasion if not, you are wasting my good friend’s time. I would also make sure my socks match just in case he asks me to take off my shoes during the meeting. Shoes are our way of presenting ourselves to the universe. Shoes are our culture. Shoes are our identity ( well, for some of us). Shoes are well,  everything. Our shoes speak volumes about who we are. Details about our lives such as what you ate last night, where you slept, where you are going and even what you do are stored in our shoes. At this point, let me just say that having untied shoelaces in public is an indication that your life is falling apart.

Being Kenyan, I know we all have that one shoe that we value and consider part of the family. These are the ones we wear while hosting visitors so that we can show off without really showing off. These shoes accompany us to church more frequently than our Bibles ( no judgment ). We wear the same shoes to our anxious interviews hoping that our mother’s childhood warnings about not getting jobs due to our inability to properly polish our shoes are false. These shoes know all our lovers, as we wear them to every single date. A good pair of shoes is like gold, it never loses it’s value. A good shoe compliments a good outfit, a bad shoe is the outfit.

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Good shoes are a must-have if you are serious about life. If your life coach is not teaching you how to polish and maintain your shoes, ditch him, he is wasting your life. Unless he is the monk who sold his ferari. A good shoe is the key to success. A good shoe can give you a pass in so many great things in life.

I tend to be a good shoe enthusiast and from the venting I just did about having a good shoe, I can guess you ( my esteemed readers ) got an inkling of how a good shoe can just be the turning point of your life.  That having been said, let’s look at what shoes a lady should have stocked in her closet.

1. Flats/ doll shoes.

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Every city girl has  flats.  Even our counterparts deep in the country have a pair. I mean, why not? They are the most comfortable shoes for a lady who knows her way around town. They are light, cheap and convenient for any situation you are likely to find yourself in  this crazy city of ours. Imagine you were just sitting innocently on one of those ‘kanjo’ benches then out of the blues you hear distant sounds of comrades demonstrating along University Way. What will you do? You will run or at least jog away to avoid getting caught in the hullabaloo. Flats are just for that. Getting away. I consider them a must- have.

2. Maasai slippers.

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They are just perfect for that picnic out at Arboretum or any of those “forestry” places. They represent calmness. They whisper to you, ” just chill and let go. I got this.” They are for those occasions that do not involve walking from uptown to Bus Station. I don’t think they we’re even made for walking. They were made to just stay on your feet.

3. Heels.

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Heels. Heels. Heels. I cannot stress this enough.  Having heels is one thing knowing how to walk in them is everything.  The elegance of an expensive pair of heels can be watered down to bits by the poor lady who cannot move around swiftly in them. Heels exhibit class, complexity and mystery.  A lady in heels is a mysterious woman. Everyone wants to know her and walk with her. So… you get it.

4. Boots.

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The chilly season is approaching. It gets too cold. I am even thinking this time around Nairobi, will be covered in snow. It will be crazy. Woe into the lady who does not have those knee high boots in her closet. They are just perfect for my ” Nairobi winter”. They leave no part of the lower limb ( read leg) exposed to the cruelty and severity of the cold.

5. Nikes.

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Why should a lady have Nikes? You may wonder.  Why not? I may counter( your wondering ). Well, Nikes JUST DO IT. These are for the lady who works out or who wants to look like she works out. They are for the lady who knows her stuff. Have you seen those ladies at the gym on the treadmill with a towel around their neck, bottle of mineral water in hand, sports bra and tights? Look at their feet. NIKES. These ladies amidst the vigour of exercise ooze confidence.  That is the power of NIKES.

I leave you with that my esteemed readers. It was a pleasure to meet you, well, virtually, of course.

Article credits to @victor0032.wordpress com.

Nevertheless, do feel free to share your opinion on the article. Which shoes do you consider a must have? Is the article accurate? Show some love for African writers. That having been said, I guess I’ll see you next week.

Otherwise,  how are you?

Posted from WordPress for Android

of furry creatures and such…

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I have a bone to pick.

Way back then, there was a particular salon I used to go to to have my hair done. Now, the service there was OK and everything was great. However, there was one thing that really used to annoy me. There was a hairdresser I vehemently disliked, but as fate would have it, she was the one always doing my hair. I did not like her.I never complained either. I did not want to raise a kerfuffle and become those dreaded customers for whom prices are spiked just to keep them at bay.  To be sincere, I guess we could say she was quite good at her job. Maybe not New York Fashion Week level but maybe if they had like a ‘Muthurwa’ Fashion Week and served that ‘mutura’ delicacy and that dear Kenyan liquor (ten-ten), I guess we could say she would definitely be in the line up. Right after Sauti Sol’s stylist.
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That kind of thing.

This woman, lets call her Mama Babu because if we know anything about Kenyan salons, there is always a ‘mama someone’ working there. Some of them are not even mothers, mind you, it’s just a title they acquire. I reckon it is a yardstick with which they use to measure the level of expertise. Mama Babu was a typical African woman with those big bottoms that shivered whichever way and those supersized bosoms. She spotted a thick Luo accent alongside the darkest complexion I have seen in awhile. She had those rough hands that you can bet have spanked more buttocks than you have fingers. Anyway,  at times I would go to the salon having washed my hair at home. it’s a normal thing to do. Women have done the same thing since time immemorial. Even back when we were still monkeys, we did the same thing.

No biggie.

Now, what used to get to me was Mama babu’s habit of scrutinizing my hair and saying something like, ” are you sure you washed your hair? It’s still dirty. Next time you should come we wash it for you here at the salon. ”
Of course it was just a way to earn extra cash but it really used to tick me off. So, the next time, I would really scrub my hair and use all sorts of shampoos but she kept saying the same thing. It got to a point i would wash my hair eith ridiculously hot hair just so to eliminate the imaginary dirt she was seeing. *sigh…I dreaded salon days. It was unbearable

Anyway…

To the post at hand.

THE FIVE STRANGEST HAIR CULTURES THAT ARE MAKING A COMEBACK.

  1. Shaving hairlines and eyebrows.

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During the Renaissance era, women shaved their hairlines and eyebrows in order to appear more intelligent. Now, ladies today may see this as a strange practice. I did too until I realized the same thing is still happening today only that women today have evolved in their thinking and take their time to draw their eyebrows back on. It truly is evolution at it’s finest. A daily routine of approximately twenty or so minutes (depending on your arch) just so you can look surprised in style. I guess even the appearing more intelligent bit makes sense if you view it from a certain angle. I mean, with no eyebrows, one’s forehead appears larger and more protruding which we may imagine is from an enlarged brain. I don’t know (nor care) if that is biologically accurate. That’s the beauty of this… I can sit behind my laptop and just spew rubbish like that.

LOL.

  2. Ancient Egyptian hairstyles.

Of course Egyptians made it to this list. For some reason, they have a knack for doing the strangest things and putting them on record for future reference so that if one day you and your drunk friends start arguing about something weird, the Egyptians can help you settle your argument from the great beyond.

Thank you pharaoh.
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Anyway, in ancient Egypt, young adults wore completely shaven heads save for a lock of hair on the side of their heads which they named ‘lock of youth’ to symbolize their age. Now, just picture that for a moment. Doesn’t it closely resemble the girl you sat next to on the bus just the other day? It seems funny at first until you realize various versions of this hairstyle are parading our streets.

Baffling, isn’t it?

3. Passage way to heaven.

During the Vedic period, Indians, just like the Egyptians shaved their heads completely save for a lock of hair at the back or at the side of their heads. Their reason for doing this however, strikes me as stranger than the Egyptians’. Apparently, the lock of hair was ‘to allow God to pull them into heaven’. I don’t know. If getting into heaven was considered this simple by Buddhists I guess the other religions never got the memo.

crazy.

4. R E S P E C T.
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Of course the Chinese would  make it to the list with some Ching-Chong buffoonery. I don’t even know if that line is racist but I am African, I can’t be racist. It’s impossible. Racism was a word intended to describe the unfair treatment towards ‘my people’. See how I say, ‘my people’?

Anyway…

Chinese hairstyles vary depending on various factors such as age and marital status. Now, they never cut their hair as they considered it very disrespectful to their parents from whom they inherited their locks. You know, in other worlds, getting a tattoo or a belly piercing would be considered a very high form of rebellion unlike in China where a small trim of your hair can be viewed as spitting in your parents’ face.
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This trend has made a comeback in the ridiculously long hair pieces and extensions that females put on their heads today. the reasons have diversified of course. today, having a horse’s tail on your head is trendy.

Put that on record for future millennia, please.

5. Braiding.
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This is a indigenous fact. The Maasai morans (warriors) spent a significant amount of time braiding each others hair. You’d think that they would spend more time on learning fighting tactics or something more warrior-like but no, that was not the case. They took their time to also dye each others hair using red ocher. It goes without saying that they undoubtedly gave rise to the redheads we see today.

Just kidding, of course.

There is no way ancient morans gave rise to Ed Sheeran and the others. Nevertheless, many people today spot dyed hair.

Myself, I have red hair.

In conclusion, it is clear that history does repeat itself. Or rather, trends do. I just hope that by the time we’ll go back to dressing in skins and bones I’ll be watching from another dimension.

However do feel free to share with me your thoughts on today’s post. Which was the weirdest culture? Are my comebacks accurate? I assure you I am quite the liberal even in today’s age of trendy horse hair and all types of high class rubbish.

OK. Thanks.

 

 

 

On hats and things…

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It’s been a while. Let’s do this…

Quite recently, I was in the CBD, thirsty and horribly irritable. It was scorching hot and I was nowhere near bus station. I was so thirsty, I felt like I would cry ( and drink my own tears). Ironically though, I was not thirsty enough to branch into a supermarket to buy a bottle of water. Nevertheless, do take my word for it, I really was thirsty. I considered bearing the ‘indimanje’ rides like a camel and brave the thirst till I got home at the same time though… I was really thirsty. Parched is more like it. Finally, I summoned a street vendor selling bottles of water carried in those black polythene paper bags (juala) and looking back, maybe this should have been my first tell- tell sign that things were not as they should be. But when you are in the CBD with the harsh African sun staring down at you in particular, much of your thought process evaporates (see what I did there?). I just wanted a sip of liquid. Just a sip. Just one. Again, I was so thirsty, it made me desperate. I paid the man and took a sip. Instantly, my tongue recoiled and I had to swallow my vomit. Like a child, I had been deceived. The water tasted like, well, I’ve never tasted anything like it. It was a blend of cow knees and baby mucus with a hint of snake saliva.

I joke of course.

My point however is that it was disgusting and I was outraged. I demanded answers. I called the guy back.

Your water tastes funny. Where does it come from?

This water comes from a stream on Mount Kenya.

Are you sure?

Yes, sister.

Have you been there yourself?

Where?

To Mars. Where the hell do you think I mean?

* nervous laugh…
No, I haven’t been there myself.

Then how do you know?

*silence
I was told…

By who?

By the man from whom I buy my supply from.

He’s been to Mount Kenya?

Who?

King Kong. (Jesus Christ!) Your guy, has he been to mount Kenya?

No, he’s a Jathe. He’s never even been to Kiambu.

Mount Kenya is in Nyeri.

What?

never (friggin’) mind

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This Nairobi…
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I have a hat now. Not a snapback, a real hat. Those big sun hats associated with big women, Sunday church and for some reason, Vaseline. Maybe its just me. Maybe you don’t get it. Anyway, I have a hat now, and I must say, I consider it to be among my prized possessions. My kids had better be sure that one of them will inherit that hat. A hat for an inheritance. My goodness, wouldn’t that be rude? (and hilarious?) But it’s more likely something I would do.

Really.

Now, the post at hand…

Why you should have a hat.

1.Ne-yo has a hat.
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Now, let’s get serious for a minute. In this fast changing world, either you are with it or you are not. Now, the it in the statement is up for debate but one thing is for sure, the hat is trending right now. Many of those we consider famous have been seen strutting around in hats. Now, maybe having a hat may not put you on the same level but its a damn good place to start. And we all have to start somewhere.

Am I right or am I right?

2. It’s hot.
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Maybe this should have been my first point. Maybe I should have arranged my points in order of weight. Maybe I did. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe I am a budding rebel who goes against the system ( they don’t want you to win). Who knows?

This heat.

Its getting out of hand. It might have been funny at first but now? I think to myself, is this how it usually is in those hot countries like Nigeria and wherever. Those guys must shed pounds in sweat alone. Seriously. It’s been five days of extreme heat and it’s all I think about these days. Staying cool has become a daytime obsession.

However…

However, I have a hat. I’m like Lex Luther with that green stone that is Superman’s weakness. What’s it called? Ah… Yes. Kryptonite. The stone that has inspired many a song. The stone that supposedly represents who you are to your lover. That’s my hat. That’s my hat in this horrible sun. It could also be your hat. You just have to get one first.
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Obviously.

3. An expression of self.

Need I say more? Hats are hats. Your hat becomes you. You become that guy with a hat or that lady with. And what is life if you can’t express yourself with headgear?

Our existence would be a bit pointless. No?

So, there you have it. Why you should get a hat. It’s trendy, it’s unique. You can tell of your phase to your offspring.

I am still a liberal, regardless of the stupid heat. So, do feel free to share your thoughts with me on today’s post. What is your stand on hats? Do you have a hat? Do you think my reasons for getting a hat are valid?

A favor? Please.

If you see a street vendor trying to sell you piss flavoured water, do punch the lights out of them. Then call me from your holding cell and we’ll laugh about it, OK?

OK. Thanks.

Let’s talk about it…

Its been close to two months since my previous blog post. I haven’t been able to entertain you ,most loyal fans, with my highly creative and sarcastic writing. But as of today, I decide to break my endless tirade of pitiable excuses such as a mind block and lack of time. I apologise for my non commitment to posting every other week as I was to. On a light note, however, at least you know what Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting eighteen years to win an Oscar. Lol.

Seriously though…

I love to write and I love fashion even more. And if I’m being honest, which I am, I guess I’ve been unable to write due to several failures that I have endured that have more or less paralyzed my creativity and ability to write.

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On a totally unrelated note…

At the poles, temperatures can drop to -76 degrees. Simply put, that means it gets really, really cold. There, the sun is never above the horizon, even in the summer. In the winter its even worse as the sun goes even lower beneath the horizon and for weeks there is little to no sunlight. It’s all night. But not in that good way that we all fantasized about while in highschool. Don’t look at me like that… I know we’ve all contemplated the possibility of one long night that would enable us to sleep through the day without judgment. Well, at least I know I have.

Still on the unrelated note…

A poorly insulated person would no doubt suffer from hypothermia. By suffer from, I actually mean die of. It starts with a vague numbness at the limbs as the blood retreats to the body’s core in order to preserve the vital organs. Next comes the delirious hallucinations. Often, the survivors, who are very few, claim to have seen haunting images such as big mugs of steaming cocoa. They were probably just seeing the bears snuggled in their thick fur insulated from the really really cold cold. Because nature is mean enough to still kick you even when you are down. As a final attempt to conserve its remaining heat, the body shuts down all its operations apart from the heart and and respiration. Unconsciousness follows from there, well, let’s just say you won’t be drinking anymore hot cocoa in this dimension.

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My point?

I have none actually. I just felt like discussing the poles today.

Yup.

However, do accept my knowledge on the poles as a sincere apology for my absenteeism. Therefore, loyal fans, (Ervin) hold on to your hats, ( you know yourself) I’m black.

Oh, I mean I’m back.

Its a world of asinine comments against races. I don’t want anyone confusing my incredible grasp of vocabulary for pale skin colour.

OK. Thanks.

on the train…

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There is a train that leaves the Imara Daima train station at seven o clock every morning. Another one, unlikely it’s the same one, leaves the station at nine o clock every morning. Oh, maybe I should have started by mentioning that I love using the train. More than that, however, I love listening in on people’s conversations. I don’t know… just hearing those snippets of conversations are at times admittedly the highlight of my day. Literally. When I alight the train I think about these people and their lives. Like, maybe I’d be in the middle of doing something really important like decoding a bomb or stirring my tea and out of nowhere just think to myself, ”oh my goodness! Tina skipped Brenda’s  wedding on purpose. What a female dog!” Out of nowhere I feel so angry on Brenda’s behalf. Maybe you’ve seen me on the street and I had on a scowl that just made you feel like if you talk to me I might just vaporize you with my eyes and maybe Professor X will come and take me and train me with the rest of the X men (if you don’t get that joke, I’m sorry) but just blame it on Tina, mmkay? Sometimes, I solve these people’s problems. It’s not weird, OK? Like maybe I’m taking a test, months later, and in the middle of the test I just stop and think to myself, ” excrement! You know, if Brian had just told Jeff he wasn’t cool working on Sunday, he wouldn’t have broken up with Stacy (y= 3sincoslog50-92{tan180}mc2… whatever)” … sometimes, I think to myself, ”dear God, maybe I should stop this. One day I just might hear something I shouldn’t hear”. Let me just say this, OK? I do not want to be stuck in the middle of those investigative series like Quantico or CSI. Then again, I think to myself, what else do people do on trains if not listen in on other peoples conversations? Sorry, I have nothing better to do. Really.

Anyway…

These people on the train dress in the most interesting way. With time, I have learnt to classify them according to how they dress. I can even go to the extent of guessing what they are probably talking about or thinking (just in case I get a quiet carriage, which never happens). Why do I do all this? So that I can choose who to either sit or stand next to. DUH… Sometimes, so that no one notices, I just stand behind them on the platform and when they get on the train, BAM! guess who is sitting next to them? Yes, me.

I wish I was kidding.

Now, back to these people and their clothes. It’s interesting how so much about a person’s personality is displayed in how they dress. I like that.  It’s like having a thousand novels in front of you every minute of everyday. For those who care to read. Anyway, I should probably get down to the post at hand…

 

PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN…

  1. SUITS

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There is a lady with who we board the train at the imara daima train station. This lady fascinates me. She is always with her friends or colleagues ( I’m not very sure) and they are noisy. No. Maybe you don’t get my point. Allow me to say it again. THEY ARE NOISY. I usually use the seven o clock train. Why? Its too early in the morning everyone is on their best behavior. There are no unnecessary greetings that waste your life. No unnecessary hawkers shoving their products down your throat. Its peaceful. Its quiet…

Then this lady comes along with her group. Its more of a gang.
You hear them before you see them. Their shoes… they wear these cheap stilettos that make so much noise… They usually carry these thermoses with some steaming beverage inside. Probably coffee. It must be coffee. They talk in that English cum Swahili language and say obnoxious things like, “we’ve ‘pandad’ the train,” or, “she has ‘pead’ me less change.” These ladies, they laugh. Oh gosh… they are constantly laughing. Have you watched lion king? You know that hyena? The silly one? How it laughs? Yes, exactly like that.
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Anyway, aside from the shoes these ladies display a firm grasp in office wear that is both modern and professional looking. They wear things like Neon colored scarfs, chiffon blouses, power dresses, trench coats and carry those baby sized handbags. They also rock hairstyles like soft dreads, Lupita haircuts and Bob cuts. They are professionals, I assume. I guess that’s why no one bothers them. They are constantly talking about a Jim or a Ted in their work place who drinks too much tea, or does something else that is amusing to them. I don’t like sharing a carriage with them though. They make the carriage feel small and airless.

There’s a second type.

They are probably the coolest people at the station. They usually fold their shirts at the elbows. If ever it snows, I assume they will still fold their shirts at the elbows. They wear no coats or jackets. They have these thin ties that end at the exact point where their trousers begin. They are constantly in headphones listening to music from their smartphones. They carry these bags… simple, casual bags that they drape over their shoulders and across their chests. They use cool words like ‘jav’ instead of bus. Their vocabulary consists of unnecessarily shortened words. I assume they are fresh out of campus and or on their first job. They mostly discuss matters of such gravity such as last night’s football match or how badly Arsene Wenger (or whoever) is managing Arsenal,or whatever, I don’t know, really. They nevertheless, have the most interesting conversations.

yup.

2. BOOKS.
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These are my favorite people at the station. Spotting them is easy. They look extremely tired and clearly are not amused by the train’s early hours. Usually, they have these bag packs strapped to their backs. They wear sneakers or multi colored dolly shoes. They are in skinny jeans (regardless of gender). Sometimes, their jeans are ripped. If they are female, the hair is probably in braids. If it’s male, the hair is in an Afro a form of protestation against the shaving they had to do while in school. Anyway,they are the most irritable. They stare down at their phones scrolling too quickly as if they can read at that abnormal pace. Often, they stand behind everyone else on the platform and just do whatever. They rarely talk. If they do it’s more or less about some professor is killing them with assignments or how an exam is coming on too quickly.

The funny bit about these people though is that on Fridays, they are suddenly rejuvenated (and increase in number). They speak louder, seem happier, healthier, more alive. When you stand next to them, you hear the most incredible stories, the most dramatic too. stories of a Brayo who found himself passed out in Donny with nothing on him, save for his clothes. They laugh how they talk, quickly, loudly.

I guess they are the people who only live once unlike the rest of us who live thrice. On that note, what life are you on, my friend?
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3. ME

Finally, we have people like me. We use the train as a matter of convenience. We arrive at the station at a reasonable time. We wait. We cause no drama. We are the normal people. We busy ourselves with people’s lives as we wait to reach wherever we are going. We don’t bother you with unnecessary greetings, neither do we borrow your copy of the newspaper. We don’t complain about how full the train is today because we know our father does not own the train. We are good people. You like people like us. We always have two fifties and give you change for your one hundred. We move for you when you need space to pass. We open the window when it’s too hot. We know people need to breathe. We know what’s logical. We do it. You always want more of us on the train.

We make you happy.

 

So, random question. Why has there been so many people on the train this week? Did people suddenly realize that the Mombasa road jam wasn’t worth it? Have the fares been spiked? I would really like to be able to seat on the train when I board it. I mean, the fifty shillings I pay is not for standing space, is it? If it is, I propose that those who get to sit should pay double. For fifty shillings I’d kindly like a seat even if it is next to whoever drives the train. Yes, thank you.

Anyway, do feel free to share your train experiences with me. Of the categories I have described which one do you fall in? I am still quite the liberal, even on crowded and noisy trains, and if you use the train, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at seven?

OK. Thanks.

 

 

 

cents to gold…

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We do not use cents in Kenya. Likewise, you are not expected to have cents either. It’s not illegal or anything, just common sense. Why would you be carrying cents anyway? Do you really have that much hope in this failing economy?… Of course, those with cents are the credit shops where you use them to scratch off the black stuff (what are they called?) from your card. You are probably wondering why I just said all that… we are now in mid-January. The dry season. And no, I do not speak of the weather but I wish I was. Allow me to just take a second to congratulate everyone who has been able to see it this far. The dreaded month; and we are surviving it and pulling through like we are heroes. Nay, scratch that, superheroes. The queen should shake our hand. We deserve to be awarded medals and brass chest plates. We are people of valor. We deserve more than February as our reward for making it through January in one piece. We need a six month vacation at the Bahamas. And after that, we deserve another six month vacation in someplace cooler and full of culture like Paris or Italy or South Africa… wherever. We are good people. We work hard. Life must be kinder. If they don’t appreciate you my friend, call me, (or maybe not) and I will buy you a drink, or two ( or maybe not). Even if right now we have more coins than hope in the future (or is it more hope in the future than coins?) we are already halfway through January. We are, in every sense of the word, unstoppable. People like us invent the telephone. Heck! people like us walk on the moon. Am I right or am I right?

Sarcasm aside.

The question then arises, how am I to maintain my sense of style even in these tough times? You never know where your stylish looks could lead you. You could become the next supermodel or attract a partner to help you fight these biting financial times (or love you unconditionally) it all depends on what you are hunting for, really. Who knows? I therefore took it upon myself to present …

STYLE ON A BUDGET…

 

  1. KNOW YOUR WHATS AND WHERES.

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Imagine this, a great sailor on a voyage. Say, Christopher Columbus aboard the great Santa Maria on his monumental voyage which he will use to prove that the earth is round. Unfortunately, because he is the type of people not to think things through, he forgets his map at home. The ramifications? Years later, we still think the earth is flat and there is no America. Yikes!

Clothes shopping is as important as the discovery of America, or maybe even more. It needs careful planning and  and skill. Unfortunately, most of us humans operate on budgets because we are logical but still love to make it rain (like Lil Wayne). Well, we make it drizzle, but whatever … We like working hard then saving our money in order that we buy more important things like hover boards because one day when we find ourselves homeless because we decided to invest our life savings on a machine that does the job our feet should, I guess we can just eat the damn machine because we will be starving. More likely the machine will eat us but hey! At least we had hover boards right? Fantastic machines they are…

Crazy.
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Here is the trick to clothes shopping though, lists. Before going clothes shopping it is advisable to make a list. They are our maps. Now, it sounds like a lot of work and I know many people say that they just want to see what they will like so that they buy. However making a list will help you reduce on miscellaneous spending and pointless walking around looking for something you probably passed in the previous stall. The list should also be pretty detailed. Therefore, while making the list actually look at your clothes closet. What do you already have? What do you need more off? Which clothes do not have something to be paired with? What doesn’t fit? Which clothes should you never buy again? and so on… Through this, you will be able to solve many of your fashion problems. On the list also include beside each item, where you can possibly find them and how much they would go for. In the end you’ll find yourself with a rejuvenated closet.

Works like a charm.

2. DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.
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It’s an art. It’s a must have skill too. You know, if you are serious about life. I have learnt from watching the pros at work. I don’t engage myself much in it though. Why? Well, its a superpower; and with great power comes great responsibility.

My policy? Do not let anyone stand between you and a chance to spend on saving. Because I love to make it rain. Only I like to drain that rain into a reservoir so that I can make it rain again later. Nothing is too cheap to haggle over. Well, unless it is actually cheap. Then, just leave it alone. No one likes a over-bargainer (is there a thing like that?). They just give everyone headaches and make you regret taking them shopping. The point of bargaining, contrary to what most people think, is to strike a balance between the buyer and the seller and not to have the seller make a minimum or zero profit. It’s supposed to be a win-win situation. So, be nice.

Before you start raising hell over some prices that you feel are too exorbitant for your taste (and wallet), please do your research and know what that item usually goes for. You do not want to move on to a different stall only to be quoted for the same price. You’ll just embarrass everyone but mostly yourself. Yes, you.
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3. GET CREATIVE.

It’s a brilliant thing. Do you have a t shirt that you can wear while going to sleep? The same t shirt when worn with a coat looks just as good. The same t shirt can also be worn with a skirt and some nice boots and voila! You look like you are off to Paris for the Paris fashion week. You don’t? Well, you should. Let’s face it, it’s not very possible to go clothes shopping everyday, or every week. Unless your Kim Kardashian in which case, I shall eat my words. But I can almost guarantee that you are not. Therefore, you must learn another skill how to restyle your own clothes. Restyle feels like the wrong word…. refashion? something like that.
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There are one million ways to wear a single clothe item in different ways. It’s fun too. It’s like putting on different faces. Only that you are not.

Obviously.

So there you have it. I feel like I have provided some pretty creative techniques of saving money. You know, if you use my techniques, you just might save enough money to buy that hover board. Even though the machine doesn’t actually hover from the ground neither is it a board. But not to worry. It works better than your legs do so I suppose it is good for something. It’s just that I assumed that because it is the twenty first century wed be working on creating cancer cures or solving actual global problems. But then I guess hovering to wherever you are going instead of walking is just as important. What do I know?

Anyway, do feel free to share your thoughts. How do you carry out your clothes shopping? Are any of my tips useful? I assure you that I am still quite the liberal even in this age of hovering boards and what not.

OK. Thanks.